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itisreal's Blog


Happy New Year?

Why we all pressume that because its the start of a new year, suddenly all the drama from the following one will disappear, i don't know, because it WONT.

It's officailly 3 days into 2013 and I can say they are still just as bad as last year. So far I've had arguments, panic attacks, suicide attempts and abuse from strangers - Happy New Year. But as bad as it all is, I think we all wsh things could be better, and since we all see a new year as a fresh start, we hope everything else will be fresh to, but life will give you what it will.

You may want the new year to be better - but your still a raging addict with a serious problem.
You want to wipe the slate clean - but your still dealing with the fact your husband is asking for a divorce.
You say it's time to change - but your still depressed everyday with your life.

Those are examples of problems that won't go away just because the clock strikes midnight. Yes, there are things we can do to change ourselves - lose weight, stop drinking, smoking etc., but we can't change the behaviour of others around us, we can't stop life throwing those horrible moments at us!

So, here is my advice:

TAKE EACH DAY ONE AT A TIME, CHANGE YOURSELF FOR THE BETTER AND DON'T LET DRAMA GET THE BETTER OF YOU.

Because that's all you can do. We only hold so much power. So. Carry on 2013, lets see what you've got for me...

New Year Resolutions

Firstly, I resolve to blog more, as I've not done so since christmas, and I feel lazy.
Second, the most common resolution ever: Lose weight. But this time I really think I can do it, since I have no one else to think of but myself now, so I'm going to make the most of my time and enjoy it.
Thirdly, as unhealthy as it sounds, I'm embracing my disorder. But I think I will get to know myself better in the process. Recovery should be an option, but right now, I'm not ready for treatment, and recovery won't work if I'm not willing.

What are your resolutions? STICK TO THEM!!

Well, new year, new start all that. I wish everyone the best of luck in this new year, and I hope its much better than 2012!

The Season Of Forgiving

For some stupid reason, I've gotten back in touch with the person who hurt me most, my ex. I think I've done it because I miss him, and needed to say a lot face to face.
But then the next day, I tried to hook up with another guy. I failed, but in the process, somehow (which I really don't understand), it helped me move on. So now that I've agreed to meet with him, I think I've gone and screwed myself over.
I don't want to forgive any of what's happened. I wish I could have been thinner before I see him at the end of the week. I've also realised that he is a trigger to me, he sets of m disorder more, so as much as I don't wan recovery, its still not great, so I don't want him back.
This blog is rambling, apologise. I guess I just am scared about what's going to happen, I'm not sure whether to meet him or not. Bu I think it's for the best, say goodbye face to face for once.

Doctors Warning

Yesterday, not only did I have a bad day dealing with fraud through amazon and losing £200 (long story and not really relevant), I then have a family friend seriously scare the crap out of me.
This family friend is a doctor. We were say alone when he asked me why my neck is swollen and why my teeth are turning how they are. I lied and said I didn't know. He said it was obvious I was throwing up and had an eating disorder, which I then admitted, on the promise he wouldn't tell anyone. He asked to examine my neck, and I agreed.
I wish I hadn't.
He shook me by the shoulders and and told me to stop. Wen I asked why, he told me if I keep up at the rate I'm going now, give a good month or two there is a good chance my esphoagus will rupture, which is very painful and will kill me.
As scared as this made me, I don't know how to stop for good, only for a month or two at the most, and even then I'm no any healthier as I restrict my intake more. I think of all the things pushing me to this and I can't think of anything else. I'm scared to die, but I can't stop.
This is the first time I've ever thought I may end up dead from this. I'm not as scared as I should be.

Weight Loss

I think I must have already been somewhat restricting awhile ago, without realising, as I went to the doctors only 2 and a half weeks ago, where they weighed me and I was 72 kilos. Now, I don't really get kilos, but I know how to convert it into pounds, so as soon as I was out of there, I realised that meant I was 158 pounds (11st 4lbs). Horrified. I weigh myself today: 148lbs (10st 8lbs). I've lost 10 pounds in that time.
And I must say I'm impressed with myself. I've not been ale to stomach much besides energy drink recently anyway, so I thank the caffiene for boosting my metabolism.
I'm hoping I can lose another 10 pounds so I can definetly be in the 9 stone band, where I have not been for a long time. I no longer want double figures at the beginning of my weight. It's frustrating.
I no longer care for help. I no longer care for myself. My disorder is all I have now, and I don't care that I have nothing else. I'm happy this way. Right now at least.

Autocorrect

This blog is totally off topic, but I want to apologise if sometimes my blog makes no sense, it's not me. Already, I've had to go back through this and edit out all the stupid bits because on an iPad, it decides to auto correct itself, into words that make no sense. Lots can turn into lo, god once autocorrected itself to Godzilla ( I still hav no idea how that word is in here), and it loves especially missing the letter e, the most common (which just corrected to Mormon) letter in the English language. So, I am sorry if I make no sense, it's not my bad typing, it's autocorrect. Blog will be back on topic next time I promise :)

Restricting

Restricting my food intake lately seems to be IMPOSSIBLE since I work around food. So much food goes down the waste disposal everyday and sometimes I just get so hungry, and it's going to waste, so I eat it. We all do it at work ( though if caught we would get sacked) but when cakes or fruit or the chips especially get put down by me to go in the waste disposal I eat them. More than that, it must look like I'm romancing the food or something. One girl made a comment today, as I was eating a shortbread going to waste, saying:
"Bloody hell, your gonna be 20 stone soon eating all this!"
Now, bear in mind for someone my frame to be 20 stone, is morbidly obese, am I really THAT fat?! It's made me soooo paranoid now bearing in mind I already thought I was big but not THAT big! Then the sad reality is, I'm only 9 stone away from that, which I know is like the size of another person. But to someone like me it does not seem so impossible and so now I have come to one simple conclusion -
Eat a small breakfast before work. Then eat whatever presents itself to me at wok. Then come home and have nothing.
I say this since walking around and working, and walking to and from wok burns calories. Then if I eat nothing when I'm at home, I'm not consuming extra calories I dont need. Might sound easy, but the first day is always hard, Nd I'm having to resist pasta and cheese right now, reminding myself I had a large ho chocolate ith whipped cream and chocolate crumbs on at irk, plus chips plus half a giant shortbread. I Los had pancakes for breakfast, MORE than enough!
The main problem I think I will have is my sister. I know she knows about my disorder, but that does not matter, because I always feel she tries to make me fat, randomly placing biscuits and cake and chocolate in front of me, expecting me to gobble it up. Well. I'm not going to now. I want o prove to myself I can do this, and show everyone I can be thin. Maybe I'm getting worse, maybe I'm being strong. Either way, I have to do this.
My mood: pretty pissed

Hating My Reflection

I looked in the mirror today and looked at my reflection. Most people might be mildly upset, or pleased, I had to fight back the tears. And its not like I even took a big long look, it was just to see if my jumper was down properly, and I saw my whole reflection and wanted to cry.
More than that, I wanted to punch the mirror, kick, scream, everything. Everyone says I look fine, but people in my family think fat is normal, until your morbidly obese and then that's too big, so I don't trust a word of what they say.
I tried to query body dysmorphia to my doctor last time I talked about my ed, but ther is no way I can have it apparently, which to be honest, i think he was right, but at times like this, which is always, I wonder, because this behaviour is just not normal.

Control

I feel like I'm being part of the stereotype, but lately everyone has been telling me I'm always in control all the time, and thinking about it, I am. Whether its the tv channels, money, wanting to move out or of course with food.
But then I think "But everyone does those little things, it's not that abnormal", and then wonder if maybe its my disorder in another form. Not to say I have another disorder, but maybe it's spilling out more into my life than I believed.
Or maybe I'm just another clichè. Maybe if I get better it will go away. Will I always be this controlling?

Telling Work The Truth

I find myself recently telling people at work about my illness, sort of. I've told a few close people I work with but I said I used to be ill. I told one really nice girl I was working with today about it, and we surprisingly found some common ground.
She told me: "Looking back I think I've had a few issues with food. I mean I know I've just lost 2 stone with slimming world and that I didn't really need to lose any, but I'm happy just staying like this. I don't need to go any further with this. I used to know the calorie content of everything, knowing everything in my food. I wouldn't say I had an eating disorder, but I was definetly on my way to one. Having children snaps you outta that though".
It was good to talk to someone who kinda understands, which is all I ever wanted. I don't know them well enou to open up to them like that, I'm not anonymous to them like I am here. But it was good. And I feel slightly relieved and smiley :)

Triggers, Self Harm and Child Abuse?

Just to get this child abuse thing out the way - apparently a lot of people have been asking my mother lately, just randomly out of the blue after taking one look a me, if my dad molested me as a child. My first reaction when told this was "WHAT?! NO!"
My dad is a lot of things, but I can guarantee that I have never once been molested or had any form of abuse happen to me by my family during my childhood, so it confuses me as to why that is the first thing people think of. My mom said "Maybe it's your face, your look. You look troubled. Maybe people think its molestation when it could be about you being bullied". As soon as she said this I thought "the bullying happened years ago, maybe it's the fact I have an eating disorder you know nothing of" but I didn't say it.
Then, because my mom brought up bullying, I was finally forced to talk about a subject me an my mother have barely ever spoken about - my self harming. I don't self harm anymore, but, the fact that we talked about it, like a full lengh disscussion about it, was weird. But, before people think we cleared up why it ever happened, it was more a case of my mom saying I'm weak and if I wasn't I wouldn't have cut myself or then needed treatment for depression. But I finally cleared up that I don't do it anymore, which she still thought I did. I did not appreciate the last thing my mother said to me that night (and by the way, she is not racist, she's black and I'm half, she was saying it because she believes this of us). She said "White people are the ones who get mental illnesses, black people get the physical ones, so when you say your depressed or pretend to have food issues (I did try tell her but she thought I was lying), it's a bit stupid". I know that her comment is not true, so its upsetting that she is s ignorant and refuses to listen.
I also had another heart to heart with my sister - lord knows why, I know I can't trust her and she doesn't really care, but told her things about my eating disorder, like how long I've really had it, what I think about it, and the avoidance of treatment. I wish I hadn't, as now I feel vulnerable and horrible, knowing someon like her knows this, it's uncomfortable. I suppose my disorder has not been helped by recently reading The Best Little Girl In The World.
This book is a trigger to my disorder, much like I have noticed that near enough everyone in the eating disorder community, same as I do, use Wasted by Marya Hornbacher as a bible and guidebook to this lifestyle. Everyone has things that set them off, but unlike most who avoid their triggers, I always have mine around, it comforts me, I feel real, because it makes me feel something.
I guess the purpose of this rather long blog is not just to get out days worths of blogs after no access to internet, but to show sometimes the things that should be healthy like family can be bad and also triggering, if they are anything like mine, and it was actually in doing this blog I noticed they were a trigger. Also, I noticed all the things in my title go hand in hand with ED's, though I wasn't molested, so I suppose everything people are seeing and my behaviour show I'm not hiding my illness well. I've been rambling. This is what happens when you can't do your blog when you like to because your internet decides to screw up -_- xx

Faking An Illness?!?

So, according to some, im lying about my eating disorder. Why? There are a number of reasons why some people think I fake this, but if I was doing that, that would make me pretty sad and pathetic and low. So though I have no pictures of myself and no one knows me, I still want to say all the reasons why people may think I'm fake, and state exactly why I'm actually telling the truth.

1) Im Not Underweight: yes, I'm of normal weight, and infact very close to being classed as overweight. But you don't have to be underweight with bones showing to be disordered. It's just the fact that in the public eye they only ever stick emaciated people next to things about eating disorders. But some people who are bulimic can be normal weight, and there are such things as overeating disorders, and obviously EDNOS like me, who does not meet the exact criteria for one of the main 2 ed's, but is disordered.
2) When with People, I Eat Normally: Yes, I do, or at least try to, but there is a reason for that. If, for instance, I go to a friends and they cook me dinner, I'm not going to waste all their hard work by refusing to eat (though I have refused in the past very rarely), or throwing up into the toilet, or if eating out wasting well spend money. So I put on a brave face, I smile and I swallow. That's it.
3) You Don't Look Uncomfortable Eating: That kind of goes hand in hand with eating around people. In front of others as I've said, I put on a brave face and smile. When alone, I cry, I wail, I don't eat or I overeat and throw up. I have only let one person see me be uncomfortable, no one else. So no one else knows the scared uncomfortable me.
4) Your A Wannabe: NO. I WOULD NEVER PRETEND. I WOULD NEVER GO TO A DOCTOR AND WASTE MY TIME AND THIERS LYING. AND I WOULD NEVER INSULT OTHERS WHO ARE STRUGGLING BY PRETENDING TO BE SOMETHING IM NOT. I DON'T WANT TO BE THIS.

Yes, somedays I am too scared for recovery, other days I'm ready. But it's the fear of the unknown I'm scared of, scared of knowing a life without the illness.
So there. That's my 2 pence said. Believe me, don't believe me, I do t care, I suppose as long as I know the truth that's all that matters. I know what's happening with me, I'm not a fake.
Anyone else been accused of faking something real? Comment, let me know :) xx

EDNOS Under Stress

Everything happening in my life lately is not helping my eating disorder. My ex, who I still love, is doing everything in his power to piss me off and hurt me, my family are not giving me any privacy and I've just started a new job, ironically, in food services.
At least while I'm working, I don't have to eat, because I only work so many hours in a day, I get no break, so no lunch. Constantly moving around helps burn calories, and the smell of the waste disposal by the end of my shift will DEFINETLY kill any appitite. But then when I'm at home, and food is all around me, I just feel out of control, and overeat. I've been doing very well not to purge lately, but the more I leave it the more anxious I feel, the more I want to give in and do it.
I'm also considering leaving recovery, though I've not properly started. I'm already making every excuse under the sun not to go to my appointments, and am not sure if I'm ready for the hard work recovery takes.
I dunno. I'm just stressed. Not quite sure of the aim of this blog, I suppose I needed to be let loose. Let's hope the days get better.

My First Blog Entry

I don't know if this blog will be popular. I don't even know if anyone will read it. But I am just a girl who is sick of hiding away, so I am making this blog so I have somewhere I can get things off my chest.
So, the entries in this blog will consist of my everyday life, living with an eating disorder. If you want to know my story, feel free to go to my main EP page an read it. Sometimes it is so hard having no one to talk to about it, and would just feel comforted I suppose if I knew people I could relate to an speak to. But if no one comments, I don't mind, I just want to be out in the open, knowing I have a place to come to when I need to. So expect many blog entries from now, and feel free to drop by, if u also want, like me, to have soon to relate to, or simply entertain yourselves with this :) I'll be around...

1-14 of 14 Blogs   

Previous Posts
Happy New Year?, posted January 3rd, 2013
New Year Resolutions, posted December 31st, 2012
The Season Of Forgiving, posted December 19th, 2012
Doctors Warning, posted December 11th, 2012
Weight Loss, posted December 4th, 2012
Autocorrect, posted November 28th, 2012
Restricting, posted November 27th, 2012
Hating My Reflection, posted November 23rd, 2012
Control, posted November 21st, 2012
Telling Work The Truth, posted November 13th, 2012
Triggers, Self Harm and Child Abuse?, posted November 11th, 2012
Faking An Illness?!?, posted November 6th, 2012
EDNOS Under Stress, posted November 5th, 2012
My First Blog Entry, posted November 3rd, 2012

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